Written by Chris Oakley with help from Gilly Filsner and Raymond Paretzky.
I am presenting this like a screenplay, for no particularly good reason.
Some of the jokes, i.e. those which no longer seem funny ten years on,
have been modified.
CAST:
NARRATOR: Chris Oakley
SULU: Tony Bailey
SPOCK: Danny Henrey
KIRK: John Vlahoplus
McCOY: Raymond Paretzky
SCOTTY: Chris Oakley
RONALD McDONALD: Frank Luntz (yes, the famous Frank Luntz)
BUDGET ORCHESTRA, ETC: Gilly Filsner, Chris Oakley
NARRATOR
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship "Intercourse"
on its five-year mission to explore new worlds, seek new life, find new
civilisations, fuck them up, and move on to new ones. The bring psychiatric
disorder where no psychiatric disorder has been brought before. To boldly
bugger up that which has never been buggered up before.
"Star Trek" theme tune hummed by a group wearing signs reading
"Budget Orchestra". KIRK, SPOCK and SULU present in control room.
KIRK stares at an (imaginary) screen throughout.
SULU
Spock, we have reports of equipment failure on level four.
SPOCK
Communicate details to main ship computer.
SULU
Roger.
SPOCK
Sound yellow alert. It appears that there is a luminosity failure.
SULU
Roger. Luminosity failure. Yellow alert.
"Yellow alert" siren sound made by a group wearing signs which
read "Budget Sound Effects"
SPOCK
Sector 35A. Scanner indicates that Electronic Light Emission Apparatus
has failed.
SULU
Roger. Light Emission Apparatus Failure.
SPOCK
Confirm failure of Light Emission Apparatus.
SULU
Roger. Light Emission Apparatus failure confirmed.
SPOCK
(Pausing for thought)
It appears that there is partial darkness in section 35A of level 4,
so logically-
(pause)
this must be because of an absence of light - and logically this means
that the captain is wearing an orange Sirian string vest.
KIRK
(Not looking away from screen)
Brilliant, Spock, I am. How did you know?
SPOCK
Captain, with pure logical thought almost anything can be done.
SULU
Spock, something ought to be done about this apparatus.
SPOCK
The logical possibilities are these: firstly we could not repair the
Luminosity Apparatus.
SULU
Roger. Record possibility of not repairing Luminosity Apparatus.
SPOCK
Or-
(long pause)
we could send someone to fix it.
SULU
Roger, Spock. I can feel the intensity of your intellectual energy
from here.
SPOCK
(Decisively)
Sulu, call up the ship engineers and get them to send someone to section
35A of level 4.
SULU
Roger.
(On communicator)
Ship engineers. Luminosity failure on level four, section 35A, request
action.
(Pause)
They say that they're mending the showers on staircase two, but will
be over straight afterwards.
KIRK
(Still not looking away from the screen)
Gentlemen, do we have to go through this hassle every time we change
a fuckin' light bulb?
NARRATOR
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
SPOCK
(Pointedly)
One.
SULU
Captain, the sensors indicate the presence of a planet: distance approximately
three kilograms: I'll put it on the screen.
KIRK
Hey! I was watching the Muppets!
SPOCK
(Looking at the screen)
Amazing. A totally red planet. But with a curious whitish equatorial
region.
KIRK
Hey! Put the Muppets back!
SULU
(Also looking at the screen)
Yes. The equatorial regions are almost like an inscription.
SPOCK
Affirmative, Lieutenant. Some kind of lettering. Can you read it?
SULU
Roger, Spock, it reads "Coca Cola".
McCOY
(Walking in at this moment)
It's not a planet. It's a bottle cap.
KIRK
So what are we going to do then? Shall we land on it?
McCOY
Are you crazy? Land on a fucking bottle cap?
SULU, SPOCK and KIRK (variously. This goes on for a while)
Yeah. What the hell. Let's land on it. Why not? There might be some
nice girls down there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Let's do it, etc.
KIRK
(Holds pocket calculator up to mouth)
Scotty, we're going down to this new planet. Be in the transporter
room.
Same characters as before, plus SCOTTY.
SPOCK
Medical officer. Have you checked the composition of the atmosphere
of this planet?
McCOY
Why, Spock, you cold-blooded, reptilian ice-man. You unfeeling, abominable
snowman. You snake. You scaly lizard.
SPOCK
Well fuck you. I'll check it myself.
(presses a few buttons)
Here we are. 30% Sulphur Dioxide, 30% Carbon Monoxide, 30% Freon, 9%
Carbon Dioxide and 1% Oxygen. In other words, about the same as Los Angeles.
KIRK
Scotty, are you ready to beam us down?
SCOTTY
Ah, but captain, the Dilithium crystal is'nae goin' ta take it! The
phaser banks will implode! The warped thrust vectors will be orthogonalised!
The vacuum state will be annihilated! The universe as we know it will end!
KIRK
Good. Things are OK then. Let's go ahead.
KIRK, McCOY and SPOCK stand in the transporter bay. Scotty adjusts controls.
"Budget Sound Effects" group do noises.
There is a McDonalds restaurant in the distance in a bad state of repair.
KIRK, McCOY and SPOCK materialise and spend some time examining the surroundings
with their pocket calculators. The "Budget FX" group do the sensor
noises.
KIRK
Amazing. The square root of 49 is 7.
SPOCK
Captain, you ass hole, that's supposed to be a sensor, not a pocket
calculator.
KIRK
Right. We've landed on a totally bleak planet.
They walk around for a while.
McCOY
It's not a planet. It's a bottle cap.
NARRATOR
Can we pretend that it's a planet so that the rest of the script makes
sense?
McCOY
OK then. Incredible! A planet so utterly void of life that it doesn't
even have a McDonalds.
SPOCK
No. Not even a McDonalds.
They walk around a bit more.
KIRK
Wait. What's that in the distance?
McCOY
Where?
KIRK
There - near the big rock.
They all look in the same direction.
SPOCK
A McDonalds. But it has fallen arches.
They walk up to the McDonalds and go inside.
KIRK
(Holding calculator up to counter)
Amazing. It must have been so many centuries since the last sleazy
citizens sucked sickly strawberry shakes in this vicinity.
McCOY
Indeed. Quite some quadrennia since the last quarter-pounder with cheese
was queasily quonsumed.!
SPOCK
Mind-boggling multitudes of multifarious millenia must have multiplied
since the last mealy-mouthed moron messily munched McNuggets!
McCOY
Why, Spock, you icy, heartless robot. You cold android. You horny toad.
You leathery salamander, it's not as though you care!
KIRK
Wait! My pocket calculator tells me that there is low-intelligence
life nearby. Let's go upstairs.
They go upstairs. There is an old man sitting alone in the corner, dressed
as a clown. He looks depressed and irritated.
McCOY
Why, it's Ronald McDonald!
RONALD
Yeah. That's me. Ronald McDonald. Why. What's it to you, kid?
KIRK
Ronald McDonald! Are you alone on this strange planet so far from Earth?
RONALD
Strange bottle cap, you mean. Yeah. I've been here for five
hundred years now. Anyway, is that any of your goddamn business?
SPOCK
Curious, captain. I thought that Ronald McDonald was supposed to be
polite.
RONALD
I'm not going to be polite to second-rate TV actors like you. They
never gave me my Equity card, see. Bastards
McCOY
But Ronald, ever since I was a kid I've wanted to meet you. I used
to love your milk shakes.
RONALD
Did you now? Well you won't get any around here now. The nearest dairy
is twenty light years away.
KIRK
Why are you here? How did you come here?
RONALD
The shareholders. The bastards. The sons of bitches. They sent me here.
Exiled me. Said that I was no longer good for business.
KIRK
But why should they exile you? I thought that all you did was to say
"Hi" to the kids and encourage them to eat junk food.
RONALD
That's how it started! But as McDonalds got bigger and bigger things
began to change. Surveying the vast empire that we had created, I became
absorbed by a lust for power. I wanted to rule the world: not just of hamburgers,
but everything. In 1980 I became president of the United States of America.
KIRK
President in 1980? I remember something in the history books about
someone called Ronald being president then.
RONALD
But that was not enough. Congress thwarted me. The company thwarted
me. But McDonalds continued to spread throughout the galaxy-there seemed
to be no end to the expansion of the Empire. "Ve must strike now!"
I would say at company meetings, but all the lily-livered wimps could do
was to advise caution. Their talk was always of "responsibility"
and "being a safe investment". My patience ran out. Without consulting
the shareholders I purchased millions of dollars worth of arms, and secretly
trained the staff of every McDonalds in the galaxy. A day was chosen when
we would seize all the major centres of government. The operation was codenamed
the "Big Mac". All of the leading politicians and soldiers were
to be imprisoned in giant milk shakes. But I became careless. One day when
I was walking two children down a street outside the McDonalds in Cambridge,
their mother noticed that I had two hand grenades hanging from my belt.
I was dragged before the Managing Director.
McCOY
But what's happened to the cuddly clown we all used to know and love?
He never used to talk about politics, and weapons.
RONALD
Fool! I was given power to rule all the McDonalds in the galaxy, and
you expect that I would be just a "cuddly clown"? Only an idiot
could ignore the great opportunities that were open to me! Galactic domination
was within my grasp! If only the company had backed me up!
McCOY
But I thought that you were devised to brighten up the lives of children:
to be a fun, jolly character for them to enjoy when their parents take
them out to sample tasteless, overpriced, non-nutritious, mass-produced
junk food.
RONALD
Kids! Fuck 'em. Standing there like dummies expecting me to make an
ass of myself just to please them! Always, "Mommie, Mommie,
I want an ice-cream!" or "Mom, I want to throw up!" Non-stop
whining. No, I endured it. It was torture, but I endured it only because
it was the first step to real power. You must help me to
complete my designs. The Big Mac can yet be ordered!
SPOCK
This sound like a bunch of bullshit to me.
RONALD
Bullshit? Bullshit!? You accuse me of bullshit!? I, Ronald,
known to countless billions, whose name is a legend across fifty-thousand
light years, am accused of bullshit!?
SPOCK
Affirmative. I accuse you of bullshit.
RONALD
BULLSHIT!? BULLSHIT!? I, Ronald, putative dictator of
the entire galaxy, master of more slaves that there are atoms in
your puny brain, am told that I speak BULLSHIT!?
McCOY
Why, Spock, you inhuman desk-top calculator. You Sinclair QL. You cold
electronic data processing machine. You silicon-chip-based accounting device,
how could you accuse Ronald McDonald of bullshit?
SPOCK
I read the script, schmuck.
RONALD
You read the script? How does it end? Do I ascend to the imperial galactic
throne?
SPOCK
If I told you, then it would violate causality.
RONALD
But I must know! I must!
SPOCK
Well, OK then, but remember that we're going to violate causality.
It turns out that you're a theoretical physicist who has been demented
by Monosodium Glutamate poisoning, contracted by eating too much take-away
Chinese food. But you're redeemed by talking everything over with Kirk
and McCoy.
RONALD
How do you mean?
SPOCK
Like this. Captain, show him.
KIRK
(Going up to RONALD and clasping his hand)
Ronald don't you see how false your values are? Don't you see
that the laughter of a single happy child is more important than any amount
of power? Don't you see that four out of five housewives can't tell the
difference between Stork margarine and butter?
Consider how unhappy you are. You are full of fury, megalomania and
bitterness, and for what? Because you wanted to control the galaxy and
failed. But control and power are only nice if you can make people happy.
A world of slaves and repression and dictatorship is a miserable place,
and your life, as a ruler, empty: without compassion and humanity you have
nothing.
(Aside to audience)
And without his bad breath, he'd have more friends.
(Returning to RONALD)
So let's not talk of war and galactic domination. Let's speak instead
of peace and brotherhood and Australian soap operas. Let's bring light
and joy and laughter into people's lives, not hatred and darkness. Let's
laugh again: let the sun shine and the birds sing again.
SPOCK and McCOY all stand up and clap. SULU appears to be throwing up
in a corner.
RONALD
(Overcome with motion)
I've … been so foolish.
McCOY
I guess I'm just a simple man. You could even say, I guess, that I'm
a complete moron. I don't really understand about this "galactic domination",
but - I guess - when I was a younger Ronald McDonald was real important
to me. It used to be the high spot of my week when my Mom would take me
to the McDonalds up the street, even though the other students at Medical
School would laugh at me. I used to love sitting on the toy train, and
imagining that I would be a train driver when I grew up. Well, I guess
I should have studied harder, because they wouldn't take me, which is how
I ended up as the Medical Officer on Intercourse. Well, I don't understand
much about these things, but - I guess - it's kinda sad to hear my old
childhood friend talk like you did earlier.
The others stand up and clap while simultaneously clutching their stomachs.
RONALD
(Overcome with motion)
I … I … just don't know what happened. I had no idea that the script
… was going to be … this bad.
KIRK
Well, Ronald, don't worry, we'll take you back to the lab, and you
can start life all over again.
(Holds calculator up to mouth)
Jerk me off, Jockey. That is what I say, isn't it?
SCOTTY
(On communicator)
But captain, there's a jigger in the fission pile! The control rod
is extrapolated! The Selenium cells are buggered! The engines won't take
any more! She's going ta blow any minute!
KIRK
Good. Live dangerously. Proceed.
SPOCK
Don't these shows normally end with some weak joke about me?
KIRK
Well, your ears still look fucking weird. I can't think of anything
else, though, just at the minute.
"Budget Orchestra" do "Star Trek" theme.