[Vl'hurg archive]

Speech opposing the motion that the Earthlings are foolish not to believe that their moon is made of green cheese

This apparently mindless and innocuous Vl'hurg you see before you, yet conceals a secret so awful in its immensity, so immense in its awfulness that it makes my antenna positively erect with shame. Never before have we had such cause to be ashamed of a fellow admiral: someone who will be a disgrace to the fleet for years to come. I do not wish to over-dramatise, fellow Vl'hurgs, but this is an entity that wears Vogon Underpants.

Of course, there is nothing more that I need say. I mean, how can you possibly take someone like that seriously. However, if you are by some strange chance still thinking that this moron had credibility, then let me also add that his mother was found in bed with an Algolian Suntiger and their Dentrassi butler nine Earth-months before he was born. No doubt you have wondered about this 'Hurg's sleek Algolian lines, and peculiarly Dentrassi habit of nodding his head when asking a question.

No-one could be more wrong than someone who imagines that I wish to launch into a personal attack of this esteemed colleague of mine, who has done so much for the Empire. However, with due respect, it is hard to imagine how someone so immensely ugly, so staggeringly hideous, so grossly repellent to all 23 Vl'hurg senses, could be allowed to continue without some philanthropist doing the decent thing for civilisation by terminating his execrable existence.

But it would be discourteous of me to dwell on this matter. Neither do I wish to dredge up the past of this distinguished individual, but let us not forget the dreadful and shameful child-slavery scandal of delta Betelgeuse. Of course, it would be foolish to believe everything one reads in the pan-galactic gutter press, but, as they say on most oxygen planets, "there is no smoke without fire" (this being a special case of the pan-cosmic adage "there are no secondary combustion products without primary combustion products interacting by an exothermic reaction") --- this saying is particularly poignant here since it was discovered that the unfortunate children were given hyper-marijuana, supplied, it was believed, and has now been proven, by the admiral present here.

There is no point in continuing: this is the sort of degenerate lout for whom execution is far too kind. It would be utter folly for anyone to imagine that this pervert is capable of constructing two consecutive truthful sentences, never mind plausibly arguing a case in a debate.