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The Death of Frank Luntz

by Richard "Mazeppa" Todd

Alas! Alack! Noble Luntz has drawn his last breath
And one might say, that even though he is improved by death,
It is us who must remain unpaid and in debt;
For 'though Frank was a man of many a different persuasion:
(A Jew, a Republican, an American - but never Iranian),
He will, by all of us, be missed;
And of course I must include in this brevitous list
The sniper we hired,
Who shamefully misfired,
And left us with Frank: a bitter-sweet poetic twist!

But let us not mourn that Frank is now departed:
After all, we would only have seemed half-hearted;
But still remember what joy he brought to our lives,
With his cute toupée, and unbelievable lies!
He was, after all, a tool to us all
For our humour, about short little Frank: - five foot three tall.

Yes! We are proud to remember Frank Luntz!
Whose humour, like this rhyme, shamefully blunts
All around: shallow, profound;
Adjectiv'd, verb'd and noun'd;
He could tell 'em, yes he could:
Well, he tried .... which is nearly as good.

But at the closing of that day,
When the Pan Am funeral cortege had drawn away,
There was a sound of revelry by night,
And Trinity's finest had gather'd then.
His memory, his money: yes, Frank was tight.
The lamps shone o'er fair women and brave Dan;
A thousand hearts beat happily; and when
Vlahoplus sang with the voice of a voluptuous swell
Soft eyes look'd love to eyes which spake again
And all went merry at poor Frank's death knell.

But hush! Hark! A deep sound wails like a strangled cat:
"Oh dear," cries Henrey, full of fear, "what on earth was that?"
"Yes, I hear it too," incants Vlahp.;
"It sounded as soft, as mellow, as 't thunderclap."
"Well howdee, Reagan, Gibber and Kemp in '88".
Oh, no, we exclaim, 'tis Frank, back from the Pearly Gate!
"Well Hi, John, Rich, Dan and Gee, thankee!"
Yes, he's returned from Hollywood - that Yankee, young Frankie!

And so like two weather'd birds perched upon a wall
We have signal'd fly away Frank and come back next fall;
But as Frank has decided to stay with us for life,
Gentlemen, I give you a toast
To absent Luntz .... and pray, pass the knife!