by Steve Hoey, assisted by Danny Henrey and Chris Oakley (June 1996)
The other kids at Dirk High School
Made horrid sport of Jimmy Jewel
Whose nasal trunk and prodigious tool
Ruled out his chance of being cool.
At lunch, he chomped on cockroach fritters —
His eating habits gave the others jitters;
Yet hoped he that he might be accepted,
And his darker urges redirected.
Alas, this just was not to be:
When showering set his willy free;
Post-gym he’d douse the sweaty hunks
With dual streams from both his ‘trunks’.
But his mom did quite abjectly
Find nothing wrong anatomically:
"But jealous are they," she did say,
"Of thy great size and fearsome spray."
But considering how he was made,
And that he never could get laid,
He forc’d his mom to arrange
A surgical image change.
So to the doc. next morn they went;
Still great his size (though juices spent).
"A wadger re-scaling may end your moods,
For a normal schlong will not be deemed rude."
Jim endured the doc’s "nip-’n’-tuck"
(No more would he his dongle suck);
It gave our Jimmy great relief
To wear at last Speedos brief!
Three weeks later his nose was bobbed—
He looked so good, the girls just sobbed!
His mom said she was dead impressed
But no more watched her son undress’d.
Feeling blue and melancholy,
She thought she’d play some Buddy Holly;
Alas, she’d hocked all but Enya
To reach her mate, down in Kenya.
The phone bills were really quite dear,
Especially at this time of year;
To hear once more his trumpet song
Played by that gray trunk, lithe and long.
Sixteen years ago she met he
Out there in the Serengeti;
With flapping ears and swishing tail
Her beau was every inch a male!
The mounting nearly broke her back—
Two tons of ‘lovin’’ in the sack;
And after they her peanuts shared,
Whilst in her womb an ovum paired.
Back in the states she birthed a lad;
In many ways, quite like his dad.
Jimmy, her boy, her only son,
The ‘jewel’ of her desert fun.
So now you know why Jimmy’s hung,
And why he grew so … large … so young;
As memory fades, mom calls: more debts,
But Jimmy’s dad never forgets.