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The Byronic Times

All the news thats unfit to print

Guy Fawkes Special/Country edition . 5/6th November 1991


O.U.B.S. plans another rural weekend!

by Desiree Hump, our Orgy Correspondent

The inhabitants of the beautiful village of Castle Combe in Wiltshire reacted today with a mixture of horror and disgust at the news that the notorious Oxford University Byron Society has chosen their village as the venue for its traditional Winter Weekend "break" next January 10th-13th. Boadicea Sweeney, the Mayoress of Castle Combe and proprietor of Sweeney's Pie Shop, told me: "Why do they have to pick on us? Last year we had to put up with the Barclays Bank Campanological Clerks' Bellringing Festival, and now this! It's just too much!"

However, not all villagers share her views. The outrageously affluent Byronists will bring a welcome economic boost to the village, led by such famously free-spending figures from the financial world as Dr. C. Gerard "If it moves, I'll buy it" Oakley and Steven "Make mine a pint of Petrus" Hoey. Fauchon of Paris plans to open a branch over the weekend in question (or, if you prefer, questionable weekend), and the likes of Christian Dior, Ferrari, Chanel, Asprey's, Gieves and Hawkes, Harrods and The Golden Poppadom Takeaway have been busy acquiring the quaint little shops in the High Street. Local farmer Lionel Pervert, who has a flock of 550 Long Shag sheep, is especially happy at the prospect, though at present, in anticipation of the Byronists' requirements, his time is taken up in trying to augment the size of his flock, or "shoal", as he somewhat ignorantly (if tenderly) refers to it.

The revellers, who are accustomed to high style, will be based in the Old Court House, the oldest part of which was built in the early fifteenth century, and which was originally used as the manorial court. They will be warming their pampered bottoms against a Tudor arched fireplace, dining sumptuously at an old oak table and frolicking lasciviously amidst ancient oak-beamed ceilings and walls decorated with ancestral portraits and heraldic Coats of Arms. They will also be entitled to use the facilities and stroll in the gardens of the internationally famous Manor House Hotel, though most locals feel that they will more readily be found at sport in Farmer Pervert's fields.

Castle Combe itself, a mere two hours' blast along the M4 from the metropolis, was once named England's prettiest village. Set in a wooded Cotswold valley, with a picturesque river running between its charming cottages and lanes, it was the location from the films Doctor Doolittle and, more infamously, Last Foxtrot in Castle Combe, which starred Irish porn queen Ethel McCaber and U.S. bedhopper Dick Schulze, Jr.

After greasing the palms of the Byronists' manservants with a few pieces of silver, your correspondent has been able to ascertain that also present are likely to be international model and virus expert Deirdre Smallcohen and her consort and financial adviser, Richard "Bengt" Cohensmall. In addition, the pedagogical profession will be represented by Fiona Gregory-Montague-Smith (a strict disciplinarian known to all as "Miss", and who is expected to bring a female playmate in tow). To complete the picture, a token member of the idle unemployed, and the prospective Tory candidate for Brent North, Danny "Why work?" Henrey, has also been bidden t'attend by the Overlord.

By a further donation of a case of gin to the Manservants' Social Fund, I was able to obtain an invitation, which asks those invited to reply to Mr. Henrey either before the 14th November, or after 10th December, but in any case before Christmas. Between these dates, replies may be directed to Mr. O'Hoey or Dr. Oaktree. As always, a traditional black tie dinner will be held on the Saturday night, followed by the globally renowned Romantic-Heroic Poetry Reading. This year, the O.U.B.S. has innovatively taken the house for the following Monday, so that those wishing to do so may prolong their rural retreat and depart on Tuesday. The approximate cost of the Old Court House will be between £39 and £49 per Byronist, depending on how many pleasure-loving, descadent souls decide to stay on (those wishing to leave on Sunday night or Monday morning will of course cough up a lower amount).

Expectation is running rife in the village, with the barricades rising ever higher and the elegant emporia becoming more stocked by the hour with cashmere tweeds and bejewelled gowns, exquisite viands, jellies, tinctures, sweetmeats, cordials and wines, rare works from master artisans' hands, and the finest chapattis and birianis. The likes of us can only look on enviously at those select few, the fortunate and happy members of the ...