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The Pollster

by Chris “Childe Harold” Oakley

In days of old
When men were bold
And pollsters were unknown,
The feudal lord
Had final word,
And could ignore your moans.

But now the lights
Of human rights
Have brought us a new dawn:
The servile yokes
Of common folk
No longer need be borne.

The word is choice,
And giving voice,
To all the common horde
Who now may vote,
And from this tote,
Elected is the lord.

And thus we see
The choicest rule to pick:
But I know I would
Feel more good
If people weren’t so thick!

The pollster hears
The people’s fears:
He knows they are not smart;
For in the main
Instead of brain,
They’d rather trust their heart.

One fine spring day,
A pollster comes
To presidential house;
Supplied with charts,
And dubious arts,
He shows his street-smart nouse.

“I am Frank Luntz,”
The pollster quoth,
“My tools I here unfurl:
You’ll never know
What’s fake or real
In my contorted world!”

The President
Is well impressed
And cracks a yellow brew:
“’Tho I’m the smar-
test living thing,
Perhaps you’re number two!”

This new support
From nation’s chief
For many weeks holds firm
And tasked is he
To oversee
The bid for second term.

But scarce has Frank
Begun his work
When scandal starts to sting:
A stripper talks
Of presidential fling

About that time
By most untimely quirk
The Education
Doth talk about her work.

And having viewed
These ladies two
In TV’s glaring light
All viewers see
With clarity
The stripper’s much more bright!

So in the mind
Of Frank I Luntz
An evil plan doth start:
To fill the off-
ices of state
With floozies, molls and tarts!

The president
Doth hear the plan
And thinks it’s quite astute:
“The people will
Take seriously
A government that’s cute.

“’Twill also stop
The endless strop
Of girls I’d never lay:
The militant
Demands of theirs
That women have more say.”

So now the plan
Is changed when form-
er lovers go berserk.
Instead of cash
They given are
Administrative work.

The doxies soon
Do grasp their roles
And all does go to plan.
For unlike most
They do the best they can.

And Frank is cheered
Tho’ still he fears
His standing may be lost
And ceaselessly
He thinks of ways
To please his wayward boss.

But ’tis not hard,
As well he knows:
A bawd will do the trick.
So finds he soon
The best there is
For presidential enjoyment.

A video
Doth soon appear
Of Donald in the sack
And thus they find
Out that the girl
Was Mexican and black!

Is up in arms:
And Donald’s in the soup—
For adultery
Just has to be
Within one’s racial group!

A special couns-
el’s put on the case
To find out the root cause
And understand
If in the land
Were flouted nat’ral laws.

Takes his time:
He needs to speak to all;
To Don, to Frank,
His classmates, too
And those who’ll build this wall.

At length he comes
Up with report:
It’s long: more than a ream!
But the president
It seems to say,
Is moral, good, and clean!

Instead accused
Are pollster Jews
Addicted to their spin
Whose copious lies
Confound the eyes
And cause the good to sin

The pollster is
No longer now
One of Donald’s men:
He’s now disgraced
His name effaced
And trussed up for the pen

But prison is
Not quite so bad
And Frank can’t see the fuss:
The food’s not great,
But he’s overweight
So maybe that’s a plus!